I didn’t feel broken enough - A story about mental health.

I didn’t feel broken enough to say that I needed help.

I had so much to be thankful for that it felt selfish to tell anyone that I wasn’t happy.

The way I thought about mental illness was someone who couldn’t get out of bed.

I thought mental illness was someone who had lost touch with reality and saw or heard things that didn’t exist.

I thought mental illness could only affect someone who had been through trauma.

I thought mental illness was only for people who got diagnosed.

The way I’ve experienced mental illness was slowly going numb to all of my feelings. It was a period of months where I slept 16-18 hours a day. It was phases of starvation driven by fierce hate for myself, and then a period of binging driven by hate for how much I hated myself.

For me, mental illness hasn’t been some big elephant in the room that people see but don’t want to talk about, it’s been completely invisible to myself and others.

For me, mental illness has been quiet daily moments that I didn’t even notice when they were happening.

If something went wrong or I broke something, “See, you mess everything up. Why even bother?”

If I saw myself in a mirror, “You’re fat and ugly, why even try to look good?”

If I saw a well-dressed woman on the TTC going to work, “Wow, look at how put-together she is - you try sometimes but you’ll never look that good.”

If I saw a woman with great hair, “ Wow, look at her long hair, it looks perfect! Even when you try your hair never looks that good.”

If a class project was due, “You’re going to screw this up and it won’t turn out very well so why put in any effort?”

If I was going out to a bar with friends, “No one likes you, you’re so boring and ugly.”

Have you ever had thoughts like these? They’re your own thoughts, which can mean you believe them without questions. They’re easy to believe because we barely even notice when they happen, they’re just part of who we are. But even though you are the one thinking them, they’re not true and they are not a representation of who you are.

For years I would fall asleep at night thinking, “It would be nice to not have to wake up tomorrow.” Because I believed all the thoughts that told me I was a waste of space, ugly, boring and going to mess everything up so there’s no point in trying… Having to wake up and face those thoughts day-in and day-out was exhausting. And even though I was numb to my feelings, being numb meant I didn’t even get to feel joy, which is an emotion that can help boost your energy. So I was just physically and emotionally exhausted every day. Too tired to fight against my own thoughts, and too tired to live in a life where I felt like I didn’t matter.

About 2 years ago, I remember desperately wanting to just feel happy. Someone close to me even said it, “Just be happy.” Like it was some choice I was deciding to make.

The funny thing is, it kind of was a choice because I was choosing to not do things that would improve my mental health. Please don’t take this the wrong way! If you’re not feeling happy right now, I am not saying that it’s easy to just start feeling happy, it’s not.

It’s not easy, but it can be simple. I was so tired of having my negative thoughts every single day, but I had no idea how to form positive ones. I was so busy every day just trying to be a good employee, trying to be a good coworker, trying to be a good friend, trying to be a good girlfriend, and simply trying to get through each day.

What I didn’t realize is that I was giving away the best of myself to everyone else all day, that I had very little - sometimes nothing - to give to myself. Which could explain why I was such a bitch to myself, like I give give give all day, what more could I give away?

I read an interesting article that said the average person has about 12K - 60K thoughts per day; of those thoughts, 80% are negative, and 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before.

Even if the numbers aren’t accurate, it is true that so many of our thoughts are just repeated from the day before! We allow a thought to get stuck in our brain and then we play it on repeat like a soundtrack for our life.

So, if I didn’t know how to think positive thoughts, how could I create a more positive mindset? I remembered back to an inspiring video from YouTube, and it made me think, “I wish I could have a life coach come to my house every morning and set my mind up for a good day.”

… and then it hit me. I could! I could seek out content from inspiring people like Tony Robbins and Rachel Hollis. I could start my day with a motivational video that would help put positive thoughts into my mind. Since I had loved this one particular inspirational video so much, I remembered sharing it to Facebook. I scrolled back to find it, and then I listened to it every single day at least once for 4 months straight.

Listening to that video helped me start to form more positive thoughts and a belief in myself. It helped me launch a website that I had been dreaming about for years. I was paying for a domain, but I was too scared to actually create a website… until I started listening to a video that told me I could do anything I worked for. Finally, my own thoughts were starting to work for me instead of against me.

The YouTube video that I watched is called “Gymnastics - UNBROKEN” if you want to search for it, or you can click here: https://youtu.be/NaSaj3wOCWs 

It sounds so crazy to say that listening to a video helped me create positive thoughts that have helped me create a more positive mindset and in turn a more positive life… but we don’t know everything about the subconscious mind. Everything you put into your mind, from the TV you’re watching, the songs you’re listening to, the people you’re surrounding yourself with, the books you’re reading, etc… all of that content is filtered by your subconscious.

If 95% of our daily thoughts are repeats from the day before, I wanted to be damn sure that I filled my mind with wayyyy more positive thoughts. They weren’t really my thoughts, and when I added in another motivational video, I would sometimes cry listening to the lyrics because I didn’t believe everything it was saying, yet. But even though the practice of listening to these videos at least once per day felt weird and difficult at times, I kept it up.

Four months after I started listening to these two videos daily, my entire team was let go from our jobs (and it was the Tuesday after Thanksgiving!). 

The way the company let us go was humiliating, to say the least. And I did tear up while sitting in an Uber going home at 11 am with a box of my things on my lap. But then, I heard a thought, “If you get knocked down, bounce up. If somebody next to you gets knocked down, help them up. You get to choose how you react to this challenge.”

What the what?! They were basically word-for-word the thoughts from those videos I had been listening to!!!! Someone else’s thoughts that I put into my ears translated into thoughts that my brain formed. And it helped me turn a negative situation into a more positive opportunity.

This has catapulted me into my wellness journey. I now have a wellness coach who is 4 years into her own journey, and she is guiding me into things like positive affirmations, gratitude, movement to serve my body, food to fuel my body, making promises to myself and keeping them, reading personal development books, listening to personal development podcasts, going to personal development conferences, and so much MORE! Something I want to add to my days sooner rather than later is meditation, but I find that I can’t add too many new things into my life at once.

To go from someone who felt numb and stuck for years, to someone who feels excited about the possibilities in this life… it’s an incredible feeling. I no longer go to sleep at night hoping to die.

I’m still learning A LOT! And that, as I have found out, is what life is all about. School doesn’t teach you everything, school basically teaches you how to be an employee, but what about everything else that makes you who you are?

I’ve joined a community of women who are all working on their own personal development. Each of us wants different things from our lives, but together we can support each other on our wellness journey of growth.

Because when someone gets knocked down, you help them up.

Thank you for reading this post. Personally, I find that the way society commonly talks about mental health is that it is only for people who have mental illness. But I wanted to share a bit more about my experience in the hopes that someone else may connect with pieces of my story and be able to try some new things to strengthen their mental health.

I believe that mental health is important for everyone, even people who think they’re happy enough. Learning new things and how to develop yourself in a positive way is exciting! You’re never too old to have a dream, and I think strong mental health helps us live happier lives. Plus I think mental health is like any other muscle. When you go grocery shopping and carry ALL THE BAGS inside at once, you’re all of a sudden very happy for your muscles that make it possible. We never know when life may hand us some baggage to carry around for a while, but having strong mental health muscles means we are better able to process hardships and heal from life’s challenges.

The fact that I am able to share my story like this means that I have already begun healing. I appreciate when people reach out to me to say that they are there for me if I ever need to talk, and sometimes I do! I just had a good cry with a friend on the phone actually, because some days can still be challenging for anyone.

But check on the person who you think has it all together.

Instead of asking the routine question of, “How are you?” Which usually gets the reply, “I’m good, how are you?”

Ask them questions like:

“How fulfilled are you in your life?”

“What sparks the most joy in your life?”

“Do you have any hobbies that you absolutely LOVE doing? What are they?”

“What makes you feel accomplished?”

“What’s your favourite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?”

“What excites you the most about life?”

“Do you have a morning routine?”

“What are you grateful for today?”

“What does your vision for your life look like?”

“What’s your biggest dream?”

“Are you working towards any goals right now? How can I best support you?”

“When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?”

“Do you have any mentors? Why do they inspire you?”

Obviously the questions you ask may depend on the closeness of your relationship, I’ll leave that up to you! 

This post is not meant to be medical information or replace a therapist. If you’re having a lot of negative, anxious, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone you know and the counsel of a trained therapist.

I hope this post was helpful for you in some way. Please leave a comment about what you took away from this article or any questions you might have!

Xo

Jessica